The Kitty Letter Chronicles: You are what you eat. So, you’re a vegetable?

Cabbage head or...

I’m worried about Red. There’s something ‘different’ about her.

Now, as you all know, I’m a diligent follower of human behavior and have done a careful study of the ones I share my habitat with - and I’ve noticed something about Big Red. 

She’s not like the rest of us – some things (crucial things) seem to be missing. And there are several lumps and bumps about her that I haven’t seen on DanglyMan and NoisyKid. 

I know. I’ve checked as I stand guard, faithfully protecting her from intruders, on the side of the bath when she stands under the hot rain or between her feet as sits reading on the smelly water bowl.

...or carnivorous gorgeousness?

I can’t help thinking that it’s all down to her dietary eccentricities. DanglyMan and NoisyKid have some oddities in the preferences for what they shovel into their gobs, not least a seeming obsession for salt and melted gooey smelly white/yellow stuff, but at least they do eat a daily dose of meat.

Heaven only knows how Red ever got to the size she is, towering over me like some kind of ogre from a fairy tale, without daily doses of animal flesh to sustain her. But amazingly enough, despite her obsession with green leafy things and various roots and shoots she spends hours paring, cutting, peeling and stirring around in hot pans, she doesn’t have long furry ears, buck teeth, a twitching nose or look in the least bit rabbit like.

Admittedly, some of the gloop she serves up for herself smell intriguing enough to make it worth my while to climb onto her lap and investigate (though for some reason she doesn’t seem to appreciate my quality control efforts).

But really, I mean, how can she expect to look good if she doesn’t eat right? She should take a leaf from my book. You don’t get to look this sleek and supple without putting some thought into it, you know.

It takes daily effort, constant grooming, and – crucially – meat to keep me looking this way. You think I’d have this glossy coat, boundless energy, and all-round gorgeousness if I tucked into lentils and green peppers day after day?

But she doesn’t listen, poor, obstinate, dim thing that she is. Maybe I need to give her a helping hand?

Perhaps in the lifeless form of one of those pesky sparrows that stalk the balcony....