Friday, 30 May 2014

The Kitty Letter Chronicles: Mew Blues

Dear Diary,

Sorry it’s been so long since my last update, but I’ve been at a bit of a low ebb.

Not my fault, you understand. It’s the pesky humans that have caused it. Don’t they know how important a stable routine is for a growing cat?

Just as I’ve gotten used to having them around to serve me, pet me, entertain me and all round worship my magnificence, they disappear! Not like an entertaining magic act (“Now you see, now you don’t. Ta da!”) , oh no. Just long periods of DanglyMan’s absence over the past six weeks thanks to some human foolishness they call “elections”. It’s almost as bad as that “work” thing that takes Big Red away from her true calling (Me, obviously) five days out of the week.

And if that wasn’t enough, now they’ve decided to start changing my environment, without even a by your leave!

My beloved scratching mats laid tenderly across the living room and Noisy Kid’s bedroom floors have just been whipped up, rolled up and hidden in the corner, leaving nothing but cold, hard, slippery white tiles beneath my delicate furred tootsies.

And instead of sympathising and helping me adjust, they have the nerve to laugh when one of my daily training sprints up the corridor ends in me colliding whiskers-first with the living room wall because they’ve robbed me of the grip I need to put the brakes on. And yet, they have some kind of problem when I try to use their backs or laps for my oh-so-necessary manicures.

What do they expect me to do? Bite my nails?

Then there's the invading army of bugs, flies and other flying things all seemingly hell-bent on driving me insane with their buzzing, bleeping and random circling beneath the light fittings. You can't ignore something like that, can you now? And take it from me, all that constant vigilance, waggling of head and haunches, crouching and pouncing only to have the little buggers zip through your claw-tips is - frankly - exhausting.

I can’t even enjoy a relaxing session, sitting on one of the human's laps to allow them to luxuriate in my gorgeousness these days – for some reason they won’t tolerate my climb up their legs now that they’ve exposed their pallid flesh to the elements.

Summer sucks.

No wonder I’m on a downer.

Now, just leave me alone in my misery, human. Go on, scram. I’ve got some serious sulking to do.

Joker (da Kat).

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