Life has a truly warped sense of humour, doesn’t it?
If you don’t believe me, just consider some of these home truths…
- Most kids hit the hormonal joys of adolescence just as Mum is dipping a reluctant toe into the menopausal maelstrom and Dad is wondering if a comb-over, a goatee or a convertible will be best for his Mid-Life Crisis (most dream of the car, settle for a goatee and eventually end up with the comb-over).
- Brain cells die, but fat cells are immortal.
- The phone ALWAYS rings when you can’t wait a moment longer for that important call, and you’re sat on the loo with your knickers round your ankles.
- Time is a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
- Comfort food is precisely the type of nosh that will land us in a black pool of self-loathing later on.
- There are still people that think that exposing as much flesh as possible on a sub-zero night out, and the resulting purple marbling of pasty white thighs, is the path to true love.
- Just when you have all the answers, they stop asking the questions.
- Wikileaks was hailed as a champion of free speech while the News of the World was (rightly) condemned for phone hacking.
- Just as you start to appreciate your parents, you have to come to terms with the reality that they won’t always be there.
- The people we most want to see at school reunions are the very ones we spent most of our High School years hiding from in the toilets.
- At the precise moment that boys stop saying “Euw! Girls are yuck!” and trying to come across as the answer to every young lady’s dream, the testosterone fairy kicks in and gives them a face like a pepperoni pizza.
- Red wine has proven health benefits, and is one of the most common triggers for migraines.
- Alzheimer’s has no respect for intellect.
- Availability is a turn-off.
- Tights only love lithe teenage legs – precisely the ones that need them least. The rest of us have to deal with a crotches round our knees or waistbands you can tuck into your bra.
So, don’t tell me life doesn’t have a sense of humour. It’s just a twisted one which likes its laughs served up with a hefty swig of acid.