Friday, 28 March 2014

The Kitty Letter Chronicles: Declaring my Independence

That’s it. I’ve had enough. I been suppressed and subjugated enough. I’m mad as hell and I not going to take it anymore. 

No more will I bow to the will of the Humans. No more will I allow them to exclude me from tabletops, cupboards and toilet bowls. I’m a grown cat and it’s time I asserted my independence and took my stand as a Free Feline.

So, with a little help from that anarchist magpie who sits in the tree outside the back balcony, I have drafted my Declaration of Independence. Here it is…

When in the course of feline events, it becomes necessary for one mammal to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of catkind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident:
- that all cats are created equal (though some are more equal than others);
- that cats are endowed with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the purr-suit of happiness;
- that whenever any form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of cats to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government to effect their safety and happiness.

When a long train of abuses and usurpations is evident, it is the right and duty of every cat to throw off such oppression. The history of DanglyMan and Big Red’s reign over my dominion is one of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny.  To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world:
  • my inalienable right to sit on any surface I should so desire is consistently denied by humans using their greater size to enforce their rule (if that PC isn’t designed for sitting on, then why, pray, is it warm?);
  • my natural dietary needs are disregarded, and sustenance only given in the form of bland dry biscuits that smell like human halitosis (the worst kind);
  • I am treated as a mere plaything, passed from one human to another, with no consideration for my wishes or needs;
  • cruel and unusual forms of torture – specifically, the box of screaming demons and NoisyKid’s use of the thing with strings in combination with the loud box - have consistently been used against my person to manipulate my conduct in accordance with the desires of the human population;
  • my dignity has been insulted by the enforced use of a pile of gravel in which to perform my ablutions;
  • human cushions refuse to remain in their assigned place once they have been established as an official cat resting place. As a result, my rest is disrupted on a daily basis, reducing my tally of sleep hours to a mere 20.
For the above stated hurts, and many more unstated, I, the Representative of the United Feline Brethren of this house do solemnly publish and declare I am a free and independent entity, absolved from all allegiance to DanglyMan and Big Red, and all political connection with the same to be totally dissolved.

I am a Free and Independent cat, with the full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and to do all other things which independent entities may do. And in support of this Declaration, I pledge my life, my fortune and my sacred honour.

Now can someone please tell me why my food bowl is empty?

1 comment: