Chocolate 1-Sex 0

Stop the presses!
Hold the front page!

Scientists have discovered that chocolate produces a more intense and longer lasting "buzz" than a passionate kiss!

Er, yeah. Yet another lengthy scientific study to add to "Things we already knew". Doh!

I'd be willing to bet that the scientist (who MUST be a man) in charge of this study is probably unmarried and has never spent much time in the same household as women. If he had a wife, girlfriend, pubescent daughter or even a female flatmate, he would have reached his conclusions MUCH quicker.

EVERY woman knows that good chocloate has a massive "feel good factor" that is hard to beat, even in competition with a passionate clinch with the likes of Johnny Depp, George Clooney, that ridiculously toned window cleaner, or whoever your choice of fantasy happens to be. Scientifically, it produces endorphins (or 'them dolphins' as a wonderfully loopy neighbour of mine used to call them) which are key ingredients for that much-sought-after natural high we hear so much about. And that's just the chemical reaction.

Then there is the creamy velvety sensation spreading across your palate, coupled with the unmistakable rich sweet smell as it slowly melts in your mouth. And if the only melting that goes on is in your mouth, then chocolate is much less messy than getting physical - and it involves less effort.

What surprises me is that men still haven't twigged to the fact that given the choice between a bar of Belgium's best and a roll in the hay, most of us gals would go for the nibbles (at least for starters). That's probably why God invented diets - and guilt (yet more proof that if God exists, he's a bloke).

Men, bless 'em, are incredibly gullible and they are very lucky that we are not all soul-sisters of Cruella De Ville, 'cos we can (if so inclined) literally wrap them around our little fingers.

Case in point. Many years ago, I suffered from slight asthma. One winter evening, I had a mild attack when out with my then boyfriend and I didn't have my inhaler with me. I'm ashamed to admit that I played the sympathy vote - and with my tongue firmly in my cheek - I looked at him with big innocent eyes and told him in a small and rather pathetic little-girl voice: "Chocolate usually helps".

To my amazement, he believed me! I was so surprised that I nearly fell off my bar stool laughing (but that would have given the game away and I would have lost out a bar of Galaxy).

Of course, not all women are like me. Some, like my dear friend Ffynella the Fragrant are restrained, disciplined and dignified... ...until a Chocolate Sundae appears on the horizon. Once she gets a whiff of hot chocaoate fudge sauce, you'd better clear the path and make way as Hurricane Ffynella dives in face-first. The aftermath is ten minutes of her making the kind of appreciate grunts and moans that could make her a fortune on the phone-sex lines.

So, it's official. Chocolate beats sex.

But don't worry, girls. I'm pretty sure that no men read this Blog-o-mine, and I think only us females that would make the effort to read an article about their relative merits.

Let's just allow our men folk to keep on thinking that they are really all we want, while we continue to smile sweetly and fantasise about a Cadbury's Flake.