Friday, 10 July 2009

The Secret Life of Bambi Fancipants - A Resurrection Story?

A couple of years ago, I launched a small experiment on MySpace inviting others to contribute to the story of a certain Miss Bambi Fancipants. Sadly, after an encouraging start, she died of neglect (but in a most spectacular and tabloid-worthy way).

Now, ever the optimist, I am trying again in the hope that she will have a better fate at the hands of my friends at Facebook, Twitter and

It's easy to be part of Bambi's story - just send your suggestions for the next episode following on from the ones given below (the authors of any contributions will be - of course - be given due credit, as they were below):

The Secret Life of Ms. B. Fancipants

As she closed the church door after tweaking the flowers for the Sunday morning service, Bambi Fancipants - spinster of the parish - smoothed out the wrinkles in her tweed skirt and straightened her twin-set as she prepared to face the world.

As she did, her hand brushed against the outline of the suspender belt of the black & scarlet feather-trimmed basque beneath her schoolmarmish apparel. She smiled secretly to herself as she considered how very different she was to the meek and modest librarian that everyone in Holthorne-by-Sea thought they knew...

As she turned to leave, a shout startled her.
"Tart!" cried the vicar.
Bambi pulled herself upright, perfectly still. A thousand thoughts tumbled through her head.
"For the fete tomorrow," he continued. "Don't forget to bring one of your fabulous tarts."
Bambi relaxed and smiled.
"Of course, Reverend" she replied.
"I feat Mrs Miggins' baps will take a lot of beating this year," said the Reverend. "But your tarts should give her a run for thier money in the cooking contest."
As he mounted his bike, he gave her a heavy wink and added: "You provide a wonderful service to the village folk" and peddled off.
Bambi took motionless for a few seconds. A pensive look flitted across her face.
"Could he know?" she wondered.
She shook her head, dismissing the thought.
"No!" she said aloud. "How could he?"

Walking down the High Street, Bambi paused at Barnabas' greengrocers. A prodigious grower, Barnabas was renowned thorughout the country for his massive cucumbers and juicy plums.
"Ah, Miss Fancipants," his eyes twinkled as she entered the shop. "You'll be after my prize fruit again, I'll warrant."
She hesitated a little, chewing on her bottom lip.
"Sunday's fete'll be a good'un" continued the grocer, licking his lips. "I've always been partial to your cherry offerings."
"Actually, I was thinking of strawberries this year," Bambi shyly ventured.
"Even better!" cried Barnabas with a whoop of delight. "There's nothing I like better than a pouty red fruit atop a tart!"
Bambi left the shop puzzled, her pace less brisk than usual. Was it her imagination, or were all the villagers beginning to sound like Sid James on an off day?
No matter. She patted her basket and sighed, absently fingering the punnet of strawberries and Barnanas' carrots and cauliflowers. It was true, the man was a magician with the soil - many was the time she had watched him getting stuck in at his allotment.

As she opened the fornt door to the ivy-clad cottage she shared with her one-eyed cat madrigal, Bambi could barely contain her excitement at the thought of the coming village fete - the event of the decade as far as she was concerned. This year, there would be more than the usual array of home-baked goodies and tombolas to look forward to. This year would see the return of Holthorne-by-Sea's prodigal son - and her first love.
After years carving out a distinguished career in Tinsel Town, Rick River (a.k.a. little Dickie Pond) was returning to open the fete in true Hollywood style. And Bambi Fancipants would be there to welcome him home.
She sighed at the thought of their stolen kisses behind the bike-sheads all those years ago. They had sent a thrill through her that she had never experienced since - try as she might.
If only Dickie's lipstick hadn't clashed so violently with her own modest shade...

There was more, but I think I'll stop it there and see where you will take the saga. Over to you!


  1. Little Dickie Pond was always the charmer.

    He favoured loon pants before they were fashionable and sported turquose neckerchiefs before Carnaby Street got a whiff of them.

    There were many in the sleepy little English village who thought of Little Dickie as "one of those sorts" , and much whispering went on during his laquered indigo nails and scarlet lipstick era.

    But blushing, busty Bambi knew the truth...

  2. Below is the way that Bambi's sad story ended a couple of years ago. Let's see if we can change her destiny by rewriting her story (tongues firmly planted in cheeks, please):

    SUMMER 2007
    Neglect is a terrible thing, and when you fail to nurture something, events will sometimes punish you for your indifference.

    So, it is with great sadness that we have to announce the passing of Bambi Fancipants and Rick Rivers, as reported in today's "Daily Scum":

    Film star and librarian
    crushed by flying ice boulder
    by Dirk Digger

    Hollywood and a sleepy Sussex village are today reeling after a freak accident claimed the lives of one of Tinsel Town’s hottest properties and the local librarian.
    Rick Rivers and Bambi Fancipants were killed instantly when a one-tonne block of ice and frozen waste plummeted from the sky onto the main stage at the Holthorne-by-Sea fete, where Rivers was presenting the prizes for the local cooking competition.
    Investigators believe the ice boulder formed as a result of a faulty waste release valve on the toilet of an aeroplane that had taken off from Gatwick Airport 20 minutes earlier. It is believed that accumulated waste and water formed the massive frozen sphere, which fell off just as the plane was crossing the English coast. Rivers and Ms Fancipants were the only victims of the tragedy.

    Hollywood’s last lumberjack
    Rick Rivers is best remembered for his impromptu performance of Monty Python's "The Lumberjack Song" when accepting the Oscar for his supporting role in "Mounting Miss Maisy" earlier this year.
    Born Dickie Pond in Holthorne-on-Sea, Rivers had returned to the village to conduct research for his next project, a documentary about his rise to fame – and to open the annual village fete.
    Fighting back the tears, his Hollywood agent Barbra Heinschleck said: "Rick can never be replaced. Since he arrived in LA, he had turned our world upside-down with his cute English accent and his brilliance for playing bad guys. The tragedy is that he was poised for greatness – both professionally and personally, this was going to be his year. Not only had he been on the verge of signing for a major new deal, we were also about to announce our engagement."
    She dismissed rumours that the real reason Rivers had returned to his home village was to be reunited with his childhood sweetheart, Bambi Fancipants.

    Heart of the village
    Back in Sussex, residents of Holthorne-by-Sea were today clearing the debris from yesterday's disaster. Sweeping away the last remnants of dozens of devastated strawberry tarts, the Reverend Obidiah Digby, vicar of St. Mary's-On-The-Side, said the entire community was still trying to come to terms with the tragedy.
    "Of course, we are saddened by the death of little Dickie Pond – I mean, Mr. Rivers," he said. "But the greatest blow is the loss of Bambi Fancipants - the very heart of our village, who represented everything that is worth preserving about rural English life. She was the very soul of discretion and respectability, and was always eager to serve her community in any way she could."

    Neither Rick Rivers nor Bambi Fancipants had any family. However, a Last Will and Testament found in the spinster's cottage bequeaths her extensive collection of Anne Summers memorabilia to the Brighton Home for Wayward Strumpets and her recipe book to her neighbour, Mrs. Amelia Miggins. She also expressed the desire that her cottage be converted into a new 20th Century Erotica wing of the county library.
    A memorial service for both victims of Monday's tragedy will be held in Holthorne-by-Sea in October.

    Bambi will be missed keenly by those who knew her. And sadly, her secret life will remain one of those great untold stories that is lost in the sands of time.

    She is survived by her cat, Madrigal, who was last seen wandering up the lane out of Holthorne-by-Sea, presumably in search of a new mistress....