Signs of the times

There are some things I love about the Brits – and one of them is our dry sense of humour. The following are real signs from around Britain:

At Penrith railway station:
Keep back from the platform edge
Or you may get sucked off

At a zoo:
Please be safe.
Do not stand, sit, climb or lean on zoo fences.
If you fall, animals could eat you and that might make them sick.
Thank you.

In a public toilet:
Our aim is to keep this bathroom clean.
Gentlemen – Your aim will help. Stand Closer. It’s shorter than you think.
Ladies – Please remain seated for the entire performance.

On a piece of machinery:
CAUTION: This machine has no brain. Use your own.

On a company van:
“Stiff Nipples” air conditioning service

In a Nitelink bus:
Ladies, the poles are fitted for your safety.
No dancing.

At a beauty spot:
Attention Dog Guardians: Pick up after your dogs. Thank you.
Attention Dogs: Grrrrr, bark, woof. Good dog.

Notice at a “Toskana” shop:
Mr Toskana has had an expensive divorce and now needs the money, so
SALE NOW ON!!

At a bar (before the smokign ban came into effect):
Don’t throw your cigarette ends on the floor. The cockroaches are getting cancer.

Any other examples of inspired notices or announcements will be gratefully received.